Tuesday, October 28, 2008

9 Things I Hate About Everyone

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the
toilet is?

2 People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V.. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3 When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too." Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4 When people say "it's always the last place you look." Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna kick their asses!

5 When people say while watching a film '"did you seethat?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6 People who ask 'Can I ask you a question?'....Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!' Which isit? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have
been something before it, couldn't be new.

8 When people say "life is short." What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?" If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Turd tales!

Whilst on holiday in Wales, I trod on a huge cow poo. What made it worse, from my point of view (but not of my dad's and my brother's, who both found it hilarious), was that I trod on it on purpose, thinking it was a stone. It had crusted over and looked very dry and solid, but inside it was still green and brown and runny.

My brother once fell asleep on his front, with no clothes on (as little kids do), and pooed in his sleep. It went upwards in a sort of spiral.

When in holiday in New York, I ate no fruit for the five days I was there. The trip was arranged by the school, and we ate out for all our meals, including breakfast, and so we had none of the bog-standard stuff I normally eat. I normally quaff fruit like a gorilla (you're supposed to eat five portions of fruit and veg a day, but I eat between seven and fifteen), and as a result am very regular (two or three times daily). My body didn't like this shock to my system, so I was constipated and didn't poo for three days. When I did, it was nearly as thick as a coke can, and as long as my forearm. It was also very dry and took a great deal of effort to egest. I felt about half a stone lighter once it was finally out.

I once had the squits so badly when I was little that I farted and a chocolate sauce-like splat came out.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Boy on the Train

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father."

The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."

The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many."

The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!"

The priest, getting impatient, said. "I am the Father of hundreds", and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar."